> From this.
Once I awoke, or was awoken, in the middle of the night. I felt so strange, when I did, that for a moment thought that I might be having a stroke. I breathed in and out deeply a couple of times to settle my nerves. What I saw before me was a vision of a dimly lit golden space, and I was then shown my relation to it: how paltry was all of everything that I knew, that I had conceived of or measured, and how stretched forth that dimly lit golden space in what could be known. The sheer expanse of what was possible. It went on, and out, and kept going, most probably infinite, but I could not tell, as I was merely a finite soul wading in a pool whose foundations were architected by God Himself.
Surely, we cannot think that we have anything like “just a little more” to figure out in science. We were that smug just before Einstein broke that sentiment, late 19th and early 20th century. We have barely scratched the surface. We as of this writing cannot even make most of the proteins that comprise us, and these are some of our basic building blocks. Not even all of physics is unified, surely not to brave the concept of all of science to be unified, from pure mathematics to perhaps psychology, or anthropology, or sociology. Do we truly, in our pride, seek to know the mind of God? How, when we do not know even what it is in our own? Physician, heal thyself.
> From this.
Sex. Now that I have your attention, let’s talk about sex. According to the moral high ground, that being the Lord’s, we are not to have sex outside of marriage. Or put a different way, a lifetime commitment. This may seem to be quite an unnecessarily high bar to set in this day and age, where contraception is cheap and plentiful, but so is meth. We don’t lower the bar on what it takes to be a saint, do we? And if we did, what would it mean, that word? Why even have such words if you make them meaningless?
He does seem to forgive cases that don’t make the grade at all. He was known to dine with sinners. He said of the adulterous woman, let him without sin cast the first stone upon her, and that after all of them had gone, he himself did not condemn her. We will get back to this point. But for now, suffice it that the bar exists that is high, but he understands if we can’t reach it. And he said nothing about homosexuality. So, as it stands, after all is said and done, only sex within a lifetime commitment is right. But he will forgive we who fail to meet such a demanding virtue. Do your best, right? Hope it is enough. What else can we do?
There is a reason why sex should not happen outside of marriage. And why generally we shouldn’t be shooting up heroin. Let’s take the second: it was described to me once that an addict quit Mr. Brownstone (slang for the drug) because the feeling was so good that it made everything else secondary by comparison. Thus, such an ecstatic feeling — meant, in fact, for perhaps such experiences as true religious ecstasy — this became the mundane. Like an orgasm that lasts an hour available without (much) muss or (much) fuss at any time, day or night. Shall we state that such pleasure was not meant for such base circumstances?
We then harp on sex: this was meant for what, naturally, leads to a commitment that is signified by its procreative aspect. And children are meant for a lifetime. Outside of that, we are not meant to experience that kind of gratification. This translates in all places, even homosexuality, to not doing “you know what” unless we are committed to that person for life. This is how we translate values into new contexts. I understand today that such things may be cheap, or are easily cheapened. It doesn’t mean that we lower the standard of things that are supposed to be. Some things are right. Some are not. It’s not all relative, though we do rely on context to make sense of things. Good is not just a myth we have outgrown.
> From this.
I was shown some things about thinking in scale. Some, astronomical scales, like the distance to a quasar represented as a number of light-years. (This goes somewhere, later. Just follow for now.) Let us say that there might be a model of an idea in, for instance, the form of a rather plain circle. That idea, however, might be representative of such a thing as how to raise oneself from the dead — the most astounding thing ever done by a man (a certain man, you know). Another circle, on the other hand, may be just a circle, empty of any extraneous meaning. Some figures have potence, others might be models of those models, only representing power rather than having actual power themselves. And even infinite things could be held in words, if those words had potence (for instance, the tetragrammaton: YHVH: this could hold the essence of God).
Now, let us say that the entirety of the Kingdom of Heaven could be expressed as a single yellow dot. This becomes very important, and relates to Philip K. Dick and the secret society of Christians I ended up joining, as he did. Very very important.
Dick wrote about when he started having his own visions how he was explained that the fish amulet worn by the girl delivering his meds was an ancient symbol of Christianity. Whereupon he was told in some secret voice that he were being initiated into an underground sect of secret Christians. That’s how things started for him. I got into that scene 25 years after I had my light from God experience. That was the day I later went into angel proving grounds, and eventually ended up at New York Presby. But introduced into it I was, and I was told just after my intro, by a voice: as he informed me of the society’s presence, that I were finally safe if I were to die — then, and only then, would I have been able to escape the Black Iron Prison on my death, and welcome in Paradise.
And my initiation into the secret society (different for everyone, I suppose) ended up being that I purposefully peed my pants — and actually enjoyed the experience. Do realize that that was not even close to the strangest thing I’ve ever done. For the faith, or you know, whatever… And what about that yellow dot? Walt Disney is God.
> From this.
there are zero matadors
dancing on zero tables
fighting zero ferocious bulls
zero bloodthirsty spectators
carried by zero flying carpets
yelling zero metaphysical truths
and the zero of the countdown
makes much of such nothings
as zero approaches in secret
the flip of a dread switch
when everything happens
and the crowd goes wild
at the slaying of the bulls
while the matadors dance
while we fly into oblivion
> From this.
If you have in mind to make sense of things, as you might, you should go the path of faith and reason. If you need to pick one of the two, pick reason; but if both are available to you, put faith first. Further, if you go deeply enough into reason, you will end up in the parlor of science. All that science is is that it means you’re indeed deadly serious about wanting to make sense of things. If it can be measured, and if a proper mathematics can be developed around it, science can make sense of it. Unfortunately, we do not as yet have any way of measuring God, or in fact, anything of the spirit world (not even imaginary things are as yet susceptible to science’s calipers, as of this writing, and the spirit world is definitely more subtle in nature). This may not always be so, however. Stay tuned.
So as it happens that more of the world is unexplained rather than explained, it is wise to rely on faith. Just make sure that the source of your faith is tested, and you’re basically good to go. Not that you’ll never make mistakes. For Heaven’s sake. The best science is prone to mistakes, and you think your faith is miraculously bulletproof? Have realistic expectations, especially about faith. And then, if you go deeply enough into faith, you will hit the height of sainthood, which I think is pretty much universally acclaimed as a “way to be”, if we’re talking the real deal. It was thus I set a goal for myself in this life: to be a scientist saint. I might actually get there, too. That’s sort of a scary thought.
What is true love? It is the meaning of life. Everything you’ve heard about it is true, even the lies. All contradictions apply, all at once. You find it by drinking unicorn blood on a full moon, and it eats your babies, causes nuclear war, and has been known to sew buttons in strange places. It is the meaning of life. None of you will ever find it, because it is impossible. Even I will never find it, and I’m the one who discovered it. With Joan of Arc. Me and her. See? I’ll not have the experience of it till I shuffle off this mortal coil. This to explain why the meaning of life, the universe, and everything will always only be 42. It will never happen to anyone on earth, ever, until there is Heaven on earth for all foretold to be a part of. But I have proven myself a child of God: I did find it. The situation had to be so that I were able to contact a 15th century saint, but who said life was easy?
I will say it again: true love is the meaning of life. And you will never understand it because you will never discover it. I should know, because like I said, I discovered it — and I still don’t understand it. It is not meant for this world… and this world is meaningless without it. But know that another article of faith is that with God, all things are possible. Love will find a way. Just watch.
The original contract that documents my finding of true love for the most part holds the names of me & Jeanne, in the style of the Native Americans: Eagle Feather and Rose. To find such a pearl of great price, I actually performed what I call a Love Dance, similar I guess to the Rain Dance that you might have heard of. Instead of a beating drums and chanting, I did the dance to the song, “In Your Eyes,” by Peter Gabriel (a song about Rosanna Arquette). I danced with the spirit of whom I knew to be the actual Joan of Arc, as far as Michael the Archangel could summon. My guess is, he would know. Upon done, she said my new name, as if she were meeting me for the first time again, and I were transformed from crowfeather to eagle feather. And I asked her what name she would be, whereupon she said, as if were plain, that it was rose (no longer angeleye). Later, I had thought that I had written more, and that I had ended up bringing together heaven and earth in the text, but no matter: I remember that dance, or at least, what came about from the motion of love that is true.
About the name “rose”, it comes from my idea of thinking of a flower likened to all the women I’d been involved with. I’d never found my rose, before Jeanne. The closest I had come was orchid, a woman I almost married, whom I’d believed true love lay with. Rosanna Arquette was oleander, the woman (aside from Jeanne) whom I’d known longest, even if it were just as a part of my visions she’d been in. I’d known a tulip, and a daffodil, and a lily (who blew the best kisses). Jeanne d’Arc I’d always had trouble with, defining her in flower form. I’d once chosen bird of paradise. You know, she never fit with anything. Until I discovered she’d always been in love with me. Then it was quite clear: she was my rose.
> From this.
There was this one time that I made a promise to the Lord, in prayer. The Curse had been with me for a long time by then, which I have mentioned before. To Him I said that if in His plan, I were written for the part of the Accursed, the Beast 666, the Antichrist, then I would accept my place, and be the best Antichrist that I were meant for. I would not protest, I would not complain.
This is an article of faith: the Lord knows better than you just what is your true purpose. If after all my prayer and Bible reading, He said that this was what its fulfillment entailed, I could do nothing but believe Him. And wouldn’t you know it, this test was performed on me in one of the visions I had, soon after. Assuredly, at many a time I thought that the Curse were coming true, but in this particular version of it was the “what if” that He Himself were deigning to place me squarely in that role. And in this trial I did not fail, this test of my faith, this oath of my honor. Until He relieved me of such duties, I accepted it as my fate. He was looking out for me the whole time, of course, and I did no damage while I so believed, but there you have it. We keep our promises. That’s how we roll.
